“I got laid last night!”

I said to Killer as I got in her car to go to derby practice. She responded with, “Right on!” and then we high-fived each other.

I met this man a couple of weeks ago and we hit it off almost immediately. We have both come from somewhat recent break ups of long term relationships and found ourselves wanting to spend a lot of time with each other. I think you all know where I am going with this… to our favourite topic, sex!

So what is sex like after having sex with the same person for years? It is different. Not bad, but actually quite good, but really more noticeably, different. You really do get used to knowing what the other person likes and that they know what you like, but it’s even more than that. It’s the queues you receive from the other person that let you know what stage they are at while on the way to achieving a climax. Also, everyone has different techniques when it comes to sex, so when someone uses a new technique on you, your brain goes, “Hey! What’s that?” “That’s different...” “Do I like this?”, “Yes, I think I like this…” And all this talk in your head can be a little distracting and takes away from the task at hand. Not only that, if you are not expecting it, the other person’s orgasm can throw you off and I do mean that literally. And hey, I am really sorry about that.

What else can I tell you about this man, aside from all of the intimate details you have just heard? Well, as you may have noticed, everyone on here pretty much gets an alias name and I don’t really have one for him yet, but I am pretty sure he is going to need one as he is now providing me with a good deal of subject matter for this blog. As a matter of a fact, I had this blog mostly written, but didn’t get a chance to finish and I already have the next blog in production in my head. Looks like my readers may hear from me a little more often.

So what happens when you meet someone new and you start spending time with them? Well you hit certain points where you need to tell them about certain things. A couple of dates in, he says to me, “What do you think of tattoos?” I say, “They’re alright.” He says, “I have one I have to get covered up.” I started laughing and said, “Don’t you think the question should have been, ‘What do you think of tattoos with my ex-wife’s name in them?” A day or two goes by before he actually shows me the tattoo and I am surprised at how small her name actually is; I was expecting a much larger tattoo. After all, I figure if some man is going to get my name tattooed on his body, it going to very large and it is going to span from hip to hip on his lower stomach. That way, if some other chick ends up down there, she is going to know I was there first and laid claim to that territory.

And what else do you get to tell the other person about when you start seeing them? Well, your blog for one and I am sure that there are not many people out there who have experienced this same dilemma. I thought given the nature of this blog, who I write about, and that I have no intention in deleting old posts that I should get this bit of information about me out in the open. I told him about the blog a few days ago and sent him the link. So far he seems ok with it, but I suppose time will tell.

I should also mention that my plans were not to have a boyfriend for a very long time as I am enjoying my single life immensely, but I do find that this man has managed to cement himself pretty firmly in a very short period of time. He treats me like gold and says the most wonderful things to me and more importantly he is not afraid to tell me what he is feeling. As one who has a tendency to tell all, that is kind of important to me. I do have to admit that I have been kind of guarded on my end, but that hasn’t seemed to lessen his resolve. Also, he also doesn’t seem to be put off by my online flirtations and proclamations of love to my numerous imaginary suitors on facebook either. He seems finds my sense of humour funny and I can’t tell you how great it is when someone actually gets me.

Speaking of cementing himself in there, the other night after he went home I noticed that he left his hockey jersey behind. I sent him a text message which said that I was going to let him come back and that he didn’t need to leave his belongings behind. He responded that he left the jersey on purpose so that I could smell him while I slept. I responded with, “Hey! My underwear is missing!” This guy is good; leaves his scent behind so that I cannot possibly forget about him. And for someone that is trying to deny that they could want another person in their life, I find his tactics seem to be working.

There may be some of you that are not my facebook friends that do not know that I injured my ankle 4 weeks ago and am looking at another 4 weeks of trying to this sprained ankle healed so I can skate again. I have been going to derby practice and watching every week in the hopes that when I can skate I will somehow be able to get caught up in my training. At this point I am pretty sure that I will not be ready in time to benchmark with the others and become a full member of the derby league. I cannot tell you how disappointing this is to me.

Ok, I am only allowed to feel sorry for myself for one paragraph and then I need to move on to the fun stuff. This Saturday the league is having a roller derby bout at the Convention Centre and you are all invited to come. Check out the link in the sidebar to Ticketmaster and get your derby tickets now! Please make sure you come and say hi to me. I will be scorekeeping down on the track and will be around after the bout is over to mingle with everybody.

My last blog prompted a comment asking me to detail how “be nice” hit home for me and how others might achieve it as well. We all know that we should try and be better people and that being nice or kind to others is part of that. And we all know that in certain circumstances “being nice” can be extremely difficult to achieve. I can fully admit there were many times where I have been downright nasty to the Barbarian as we made through to the finalization of the separation agreement. I may even one day admit to you some of the things I have done, but for now we will leave that be.

I felt and still feel that he walked away with way more than he deserved and he put me into a situation where I had no choice but to agree to his terms in order for me to walk away. When Mr. Hamilton sent me the words “be nice”, those words just jumped off the screen at me and hit me full force. I was being eaten up by my feelings and I was losing sleep. And for what? There was nothing for me to gain by not being nice. So in the end, you may think that my decision to be nice is because I felt I should be kind to other people, but in reality, my being nice in this situation was merely a form of selfishness on my part to make my own life better and the good feelings and resulting altruism are just a side effect. I do believe I have just had another revelation.

Tom Wilson Smells Like Cookies

Have you ever seen the movie Michael with John Travolta? Remember the scene where all of the women seem hypnotized by the angel Michael as they follow him onto the dance floor of that little bar and Andie McDowell’s character remarks that he smells like cookies? That, my friends, is Tom Wilson.

I had been quite excited about Tom Wilson coming to Winnipeg for a LeE HARVeY OsMOND show and somehow managed to get myself involved in promoting it. I am not quite sure how everything happened, but all of the pieces fell magically into place when it came to everything surrounding that night. I arrived at the theatre early to make sure that I could speak to the promoters and square up with the tickets I had sold. Almost immediately, I was introduced to Tom who hugged and kissed me and thanked me for helping out. I was instantly awestruck by this man’s charisma and could not believe how wonderful the evening was starting out.

Chris Carmichael, a local musician, opened the show. If you have not seen Chris perform, I recommend that you go and see him as soon as you can. He is an extremely talented performer and I will be keeping track of where he is playing, so I can make my way out to see him again.

By the time Tom arrived on stage, I was jittery with excitement. Tom was joined by his long-time friend, Ray Farrugia, who is an absolutely phenomenal drummer. The two of them blew the crowd away with their ability to fill the room with the most amazing sound and provided us with a live show that you do not get to experience very often. I was completely taken away by performance, so much so, that when Tom invited everyone up on stage and I couldn’t get anyone to go with me, I went up by myself and danced with the other women on the stage. We were all dancing on the side of the stage when Tom looked over and said, “Why are you girls all dancing over there in a line? Get over here.” I am not sure what overtook me (cookies), but I went and I was the only one. I danced in the center of the stage for Tom while he played to me. I was really nervous and could feel that my legs were shaky, but I was thrilled to be up there. I would never have done something like this in my twenties, but here I am in my forties with more bravery than I have ever known before.

After the show, at different points in the evening, I had a few pictures taken with Tom. I noticed in those photos I have the hugest smile on my face that I don’t have in the photos with other people. I am smiling, but not like I am when I am near Tom. This man has a presence about him that is hard to explain (cookies), but all I can say is that I wanted to remain near him. I was also lucky enough to spend a good deal of time talking to him at a party after the show. We spoke of many different things, so many, in fact that I cannot remember all of our conversation. I do recall that we spoke about him becoming a Grandfather soon, something he is very excited for, and about my son getting married this summer. I found Tom very easy to talk to and it is likely that I rambled, but he seemed interested in what I was saying and questioned me further on things. We also discussed our break ups, and our work. Besides performing he also does voiceovers for commercials and as he was telling me this, he leaned in and repeated one of them directly into my ear. That was first time in my life I wet myself over a Quarter Pounder. Tom definitely has the sexiest voice I have ever heard.

I was sad that such a glorious night had to end and can only hope that I have the opportunity to speak with him again. I cannot wait until he comes back to Winnipeg or who knows, maybe I will plan a road trip to see him perform sometime before then. After all, I did tell him I was going to quit my job and follow him.

And speaking of things that had to end, my friend Mr. Hamilton has chosen not to talk to me anymore. I am not quite sure what happened exactly, but I asked a question about him being diabetic and he changed the subject. I pressed the topic a little further and he walked away from our chat and would not talk to me anymore. I emailed him to explain my curiosity as diabetes runs on both sides of my family and I am at risk myself. I received no response. It was a week later before he spoke to me again and he was still not over it. At one point he made a remark that I didn’t appreciate and I said he should apologize; that I did not deserve what he was dishing out. He came back with “What?” “Dishing out?” which I didn’t respond to right away as I was doing something else. A few minutes after that, I received, “No answer?” “Fine, I will decide for you” and he was gone. He deleted me from Skype and blocked me from facebook. I did send him a text message asking why he blocked me and why was he so mad. I also invited him back to start over and I have received no response. I am really baffled as to what exactly happened, but him being so far away and not knowing for sure what goes on in his day to day life, it really could be anything.

I do want to thank him though for helping me to let go of the negativity surrounding my break up. One day, last December, when we were chatting, I mentioned that I had to go drop something off for the Barbarian. Two words appeared on the screen, “be nice”. I am not sure what happened at that moment, but I came to the realization that the bad feelings I had toward the Barbarian were eating me up and if I didn’t let go of it, I would never be free. I have taken “be nice” a little further and am trying to be nice in all areas of my life. Not that I was mean to people before, but there is always room to be a little nicer.

Killer and I continue with our derby escapades, both on and off the track. We are getting much better at practice, we are still doing the podcast segment, and we recently did a photo shoot in our derby gear. Well actually the pictures were a little sexier than what I normally wear for derby, but it was just a fun little photo shoot. Also, this Saturday is a roller derby bout at the Convention Centre and Killer and I will be working there. See the link in the side bar for tickets. Killer will be a ref penalty tracker in center ring and I will be at the merchandise table at the end of the night. Come on out and catch some derby, you won’t regret it!

Please feel free to email me with any topics you may have. I am sure you miss me talking about sex and should be able to come up with a topic for me to discuss. Even though I am not getting any, doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk about it. You can also look me up on facebook, either my Bean Counter profile or my real one or both. Until next time my friends…

Internet Meetings

Internet meetings is a subject I have wanted to talk about for some time, many of you may not know that was how I met the Barbarian. I had joined a dating site and met a few men prior to the Barbarian and those meetings did not go well. I recall the first man I met seemed like a pretty decent guy online, but meeting him in person was a different story. I found that he was not honest about his appearance; his profile picture was quite old and he was quite a bit heavier than I had expected, but what was much worse was he was not afraid to blurt out whatever racist remark popped into his head. Oh really, I did not realize the best place to buy a TV is the pawn shop because all the Indians take their new TVs in after they run out of money for booze.

After that meeting I emailed my online dating mentor, the first man to ever message me. We found that we had a good rapport, but we were at different stages in our life, he being pre-children and me being post. I told him of my experience that night and he told me not to waste my time on online chat but to arrange a meeting right away. This advice proved to be very helpful as I was able to quickly get rid of unsuitable prospects. Like for example, the guy I met for a drink, who after finding out I was an accountant, proceeded to tell me about the tax loopholes he had figured out. Most of the conversation I sat way back in my chair to avoid being splattered by the food he was shovelling into his mouth while talking, until he complained about the existence of welfare and how people collecting it also work on the side. It was at this juncture that I leaned in to get my point across and said, “We need welfare to take care of the have-nots in our society and there will always be people who take advantage of every system we have in place, whether it be a social safety net such as welfare or our government’s tax system.” Unfortunately, my point was lost on him as he was too stupid to realize what I was saying and simply nodded in agreement.

I wasn’t too many bad meetings in, before I started talking to the Barbarian online or I likely would have given up on the Internet. I recall that it did take awhile for the Barbarian and me to line up our schedules to meet, but we did have a very good meeting that ended with us necking in the lobby of the lounge we met at. 2 days later I hopped on a plane to England and was gone for 3 weeks. Our relationship started as soon as I came back.

Why after years did I finally decide to write about Internet meetings? It is because today is 7 seven years since I met the Barbarian at that little lounge. I am not sure at what point today I noticed the date, but it has caused me to reflect a little on his leaving. Not that I am feeling bitter toward him, but he really did do me a favour in leaving. Our relationship had reached a point where it was untenable and detrimental to both our well-beings. Given that I was completely in shock at his abrupt departure, I found that my recovery was fairly quick. It was not that I did not love this man as I know this man was the one I loved the most, but perhaps because I am an optimist. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that life must have other things to offer me. Over the last 6 months or so, I have found that I am truly a happy human being. My life is very full with friends and all kinds of fun things to partake in.

I do miss the company of a man and I really do miss sex, but I know that will all happen in good time. I also believe that me missing a man in my life has been alleviated by my online friend, Mr. Hamilton, the man that I was telling you about in the last blog. I know the subject of my last blog was about my sex chat cherry being popped, but that kind of chat is a small portion of the things we talk about. We generally talk about whatever is going on or has happened in our lives and we talk about the day to day stuff. There has been a couple of times where he has talked me off a ledge (figuratively), once when I realized the full magnitude of waking up in an empty house Christmas morning and a lesser, but no less serious problem, of it being New Year’s Eve and the dress I just bought for the evening still had the security tag attached to it and the store was closed. The prospect of not having the planned outfit to wear New Year’s Eve is enough to toss the most stable woman over the edge.

Over the holidays, my chat has sat open all day and we have talked at various points throughout the day in between doing things around the house. Other times we have chatted until it is just too late to stay up any longer. He often sends me music from the local scene in his city, which I really appreciate as I have not heard any of it before. Yes, I probably did neglect to mention in the previous blog that Mr. Hamilton lives in another city.

Our Internet meeting was really quite a fluke. I was on facebook one day and he popped up in my suggest friends, but the profile picture was a professional headshot of some rocker. I thought to myself that is not someone’s real profile picture and it wasn’t. It was one of many amazing pictures this man has shot. After roaming through his profile looking at photographs that completely blew me away, I was compelled to message him and tell him so. That was the beginning of our online relationship and I do say relationship, because I do have an emotional attachment to this man. We have had a couple of misunderstandings during chat as it is very difficult to get things across in the way you mean them. Sometimes things that are joking are taken more seriously and walking away from the computer unexpectedly leaves the person on the other end wondering what the hell is happening, especially if the subject matter is not of the banalities of life. When these misunderstandings happen, I really do worry that our friendship is in jeopardy, even though I am sure Mr. Hamilton would say I am overreacting. I likely am, but that is just me.

Last week, I did have the opportunity to meet Mr. Hamilton in person as work happened to send me to a city near him. I am also sure he was wondering why I was insisting on meeting him. I guess it was part of the old stuff where I had met people online and they were nothing like what I had expected in person. Even though I had spoken to this man online for hours at a time and for weeks on end, and even twice on the phone, I was still unsure he would be what I thought he was. I am very happy to say, he was everything I had expected and more, the only disappointment is that this man lives so far away from me (and that we didn’t have sex). I can, of course visit if we so desire another meeting (and to have crazy hot sex, that is what I am talking about).

Mr. Hamilton does continue to press me to send a picture of my pie, which I refuse to do. I have however, sent him a shot of my breast on New Year’s Eve. Something about the year ending, my life being different and other unexplainable things compelled me to do this. I don’t think I will be so compelled to send a pie picture as I don’t think they are as pretty as breasts and no one likes to have bad pictures of their self even if they are unidentifiable in them.

Another thing I have discovered about myself is that this personality, Bean Counter, has fought it way out of my regular persona and that I am apt to say whatever I happen to be thinking and most of that is sexual in nature. I am less concerned about keeping this blog at a distance from myself and am not really caring who reads it. So, feel free to share it with people and even approach me about it. I am interested in knowing who my readers are and getting some feedback. So please email me with questions or topics you would like my opinion on. And some of you on my email list will notice I am emailing you again about new blog posts. I had some issues with the old email address being uncooperative, so I have a new email, it is realmofthebeancounter@gmail.com or just click “Email me” in the sidebar.

Killer and I are now in training for rollerderby and we have had one practice so far. It is very tough and I hurt for 2 days after. There is another practice tomorrow and I am really sick with a cold so I am a little apprehensive about how badly I will do. Killer and I are also doing a weekly segment on our roller derby practices for the Return to Sender podcast. Please see the link to the podcast in the sidebar. Very funny podcast, you should be a subscriber if you are not already.

Killer and I are also going to the LeE HARVeY OsMOND show featuring Tom Wilson at the Park Theatre on February 10^th . I am hoping you can all come out. Please come and see me there if you do, I am always happy to see my readers. You can contact me for tickets or go to the link in the sidebar to buy them online. I did a drop for this show on the podcast as well and told everyone to come and talk to us at the show. I also threw in how hot we are. Killer says if that doesn’t get us laid, she doesn’t know what will.

My sex chat cherry has been popped.

Mr. Hamilton, whom I have messaged and chatted with for the last week or two, popped up a chat window late Saturday night. He had been at his local watering hole and the evening’s libations seemed to have a different effect on our usual conversation; the topic soon changed to one of a sexual nature. I know you are all thinking that I normally chat about sex all of the time, but it is simply not so. I have never chatted nor have been chatted to in a sexual manner.

In no time at all, Mr. Hamilton was explaining to me in great detail, exactly what he was picturing doing to me. And I like any self-respecting virgin, said nothing, but had these thoughts running through my head, “What is happening to me? What are these things I am feeling?” And much like the first time I had my real cherry popped, there was no orgasm, but confusion, wet pants, wonderment, and the thought that I would like to try this again and perhaps be better at it.

Mr. Hamilton, ever the gentleman, realized I had become very quiet and asked if I was ok. I said that I was and then thanked him for the experience and for the new images now filed in my spank bank. I also told him that I would blog about this and would he be ok with that? He said he would, but asked if I used real names. I replied that I didn’t and he seemed disappointed. I asked him why he might want his real name used and he replied that maybe he could become rich by sex chatting women. I told him he was similar to my ex in that they both think there are untold riches in the internet porn business.

A later conversation with Mr. Hamilton turned up a request for a picture of my pie, which I declined. I told him that I only share my pie in person. He told me that it would be ok, because there would be no faces in the picture, just pie. I said I didn’t want to be part of a collection. He then asked “How many is a collection?” “More than one” I replied. This conversation of pie collections had me thinking over the last few days, if you have a collection of pictures of pie and there are no faces, can you remember which pie is which? If not, do you label said pictures of pie? If so, than is there any point to excluding faces? And of course, all of this reminded me of an offensive joke, which I have always found extremely funny. Why do women have faces? So you know which cunt is yours.

On another note, Killer and I have decided that the lack of a sex life is causing us to widen our scope of what we find sexually attractive. The other night, Killer and I were talking about Bob, a mutual acquaintance of ours, and how we thought it might be interesting to get to know him a little better. We then laughed because it was not more than two weeks ago we had a similar discussion and neither one of us was sexually attracted to Bob. Last week it was, “Well Bob is ok, but I am not really interested in him, blah, blah, this flaw, that flaw, blah, blah.” This week, “Hmmm, you know that Bob guy ain’t bad.” “Yeah, I think he is kind of fun to be around.” I then pointed out that no one has called dibs and since I was only interested in sex, she could date him after I was done with him. Killer was disgusted with the thought and said she didn’t want my sloppy seconds. I told her I would wash him off for her first, but this was still of no consolation to her. The next day, I told her I had a pretty good dream about Bob the night before, so she may want to cross him off her list anyway.

I now fear what will be acceptable to me in two weeks time.